franksemails.com!

Previous motd's:

(23/01/2025)

How do you make an egg roll? You push it

(14/03/2024)

I grew up believing my grandad was a Japanese prisoner of war. But it turns out he just likes stuffing watches up his arse.

(10/04/2023)

How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

(18/10/2022)

Breaking News: Two pedestrians die in collision. How fast must they have been walking?

(11/12/2021)

There was a young man From Cork who got limericks And haikus confused

(27/05/2021)

Irony: Drawing trees on paper

(1/11/2020)

Do strippers have that horrible dream where they turn up at work fully clothed?

(16/03/2020)

BREAKING NEWS: Chuck Norris has been exposed to Coronavirus (COVID-19) The virus is now in quarantine for 14 days.

(2/02/2020)

When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

(5/01/2020)

Celibacy is not hereditary

(27/10/2019)

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

(11/09/2019)

Keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.

(8/08/2019)

I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today. Luckily for me, I had my keys.

(1/05/2019)

A project manager is someone who thinks that 9 pregnant woman can create a baby in 1 month.

(9/04/2019)

BREAKING NEWS: Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.

(7/03/2019)

Some people are like clouds when they disappear - it becomes a great day!

(7/01/2019)

What did socialists use before candles? Electricity!

(3/12/2018)

Why do they call it "marijuana possession"? And not "joint custody"?

(5/11/2018)

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

(10/08/2018)

Hey, did you hear about the Kidnapping at school today? It’s ok though, he woke up.

(22/05/2018)

Why isn't "phonetic" spelt phonetically?

(21/02/2018)

Q: What is Forrest Gump's password? A:1Forrest1

(8/01/2018)

Why do they call it 'raw' sewage? Is someone somewhere cooking it?

(17/11/2017)

I was offered Bitcoin today, 5 coins to be exact, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.

(10/11/2017)

Barman walks into a stable. Horse says, "Why the small penis?" (inverse of A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?")

(30/10/2017)

http://metro.co.uk/2017/03/29/sexual-endurance-shows-are-a-thing-in-japan-and-they-are-seriously-disturbing-6531220/

(27/10/2017)

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/15425603.Man_caught_pleasuring_himself_while_wife_was_shopping_in_Asda/

(26/10/2017)

China mall introduces 'husband storage' pods for shopping wives http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-40609115

(23/10/2017)

Historians: "Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle would be groundbreaking. Not because she's mixed-race or divorced, but because they're not related."

(16/05/2017)

I went to the doctors last week and he told me I had to stop masterbating. When I asked why, he replied "because I'm trying to examine you".

(27/03/2017)

I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut". Yet if a guy does it he's considered a "homosexual".

(23/12/2016)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mFLLIngIKV8 - "Life is one big youtube video. You should better make it interesting because when it comes to an end, you're gone and you'll never have a second chance."

(11/07/2016)

The fallout of Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia and Byegium. Only Remania will stay

(7/07/2016)

More fun than a sack full of kittens and a brick wall!

(17/06/2016)

There's nothing but porn on tv these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

(22/02/2016)

Anyone remember the nineties, when you had to clean your mouse balls? I'm glad I don't have pets any more.

(12/10/2015)

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks - "Can I join you?"

(23/02/2015)

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

(5/01/2015)

I was walking home last night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... In morse code.

(22/10/2014)

My leg won't stop mooing. I think I've got a calf injury.

(21/08/2014)

If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one colour.

(9/07/2014)

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

(23/06/2014)

franksemails.com is 9!

(6/08/2013)

2 - 0 (1 draw)

(22/07/2013)

2 - 0

(15/07/2013)

1 - 0

(28/06/2013)

Bye bye Google Reader :(

(17/12/2012)

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied: "No you sick f*ck, I'll be putting it up in my living room"

(26/04/2012)

A pizza with the radius "z" and thickness "a" has the volume pi*z*z*a.

(13/03/2012)

Contact System Administrator null is null and is not an object. Unable to null null on null.

(3/01/2012)

For the older nerds: Who's General Failure and why is he reading Drive C?

(28/11/2011)

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

(25/10/2011)

Bukkake Chef terrible show... Secret ingredient always same!

(30/09/2011)

I've just found a box full of cricket balls. And a bag full of grasshopper penises.

(23/02/2011)

If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

(22/12/2010)

I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo.... I haven't even got any coconuts.

(22/10/2010)

Homeopathy - The air guitar of medicine.

(30/08/2010)

I don't know why I bought some new coconut shampoo... I haven't even got any coconuts.

(28/07/2010)

"The great thing about the internet is that you can make up your own quotes, and credit them with someone famous." - Ghandi.

(21/06/2010)

To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake - hah! in your face!

(1/06/2010)

Terrible: "It's a pity about Gary Coleman. Fell and had a brain haemorrhage. Which is kinda like a stroke - but diff'rent"

(27/01/2010)

Better than Valentine's day

(30/11/2009)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - Have you ever wondered if the notes in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now.

(21/10/2009)

For the Futurama fans - GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! I've invented a device that makes you read this message in your head...With my voice!

(27/08/2009)

Today's definition: Religious war - Killing one another to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

(10/07/2009)

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

(27/05/2009)

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of Swine Flu - ignore it - it's just spam. The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down." The little piggy puts his head out of the window and says "Frack off or I'll sneeze on you."

(13/05/2009)

In the USA they used to say - "When a black man becomes President, pigs will fly." Just 100 days after Obama's election.......and wham!! Pig's flu!

(13/04/2009)

Godwin's Law - "As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1"

(23/03/2009)

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.' 'No,' she says, 'it's just regular porn....you sick bastard.'

(10/02/2009)

Sam Kekovitch for PM! My favourite complaint - "Australians are so racist, they don't even realise they are being racist half the time"

(30/10/2008)

No Clean Feed - Stop Internet Censorship in Australia

(17/09/2008)

Behind the Housing Crash - Confessions from an Insider "If you are looking for an excellent expose on the banking industry, an explanation why your house is worth $100,000 less than it was before, or are just curious as to what happened, look no further. This is the book to read."

(19/05/2008)

My new favourite site (Note - may unsuitable for liberal-arts majors) http://xkcd.com/

(23/03/2008)

Something un-PC: I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

(21/02/2008)

A husband and a wife a sharing a bottle of wine. the husband says to the wife "I bet you can't say something to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time"..... the wife thinks for a moment then says........... "Your d1ck is bigger than your brothers'"

(13/02/2008)

Happy Valentine's Day ladies! - Don't forget this more important event though - http://bbandbjday.com

(30/12/2007)

"Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software" (Links have been updated - I've been reading new stuff!)

(21/08/2007)

update motd - Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software

(1/01/2007)

How to acquire an Irish accent. Practise by reading from bottom up: HOOKED BEEF OIL WELL

(5/11/2006)

My regular readers will know that i'm guilty of this... A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text. Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing? A: Top-posting. Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet and in e-mail? (from http://www.codecomments.com/archive371-2005-9-595528.html )

(26/08/2006)

Actively disinterested in Aussie Rules like me? Then join the AFL today!

(4/08/2006)

And old fave - "There once was a man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave. She smelt worse than shit, and was missing a tit But think of the money Dave saved!"

(24/07/2006)

Latest spam email - The subject line made me feel quite special: "You cumm very quickly and without any control!"

(14/07/2006)

They're getting funnier every day - "Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a famous french footballers apartment. Apparently it was murder on zidanes floor."

(19/06/2006)

All we need is a draw... C'MON AUSSIE!!!

(13/06/2006)

AUSTRALIA 3 def. JAPAN 1 GO AUSSIE!!!

(5/05/2006)

Leave Gary Coleman ALONE!!!

(13/03/2006)

Pucker up ladies, it's Beer, Beef and Blowjob day next Monday! bbandbjday.com. Boys, print it out and stick it on your fridge.

(21/02/2006)

Word of the week (thanks to Chris, UK): "Seagulling" - The act of going off to the school toilets for a wank and then run out to the playground complete with a hand full of spunk. The object is to find a fellow student you don't like, slap him on the head with your spunk and shout "SEAAAAGUUULLLL!!!!"

(6/02/2006)

Word of the week: "felch" (click) Example use: "I couldn't belive it. After Nigel packed my ass, he felched me!"

(11/01/2006)

The epitome of laziness - lazy.html

(3/01/2006)

"All 12 of you Mac users in the world need to get hit with the clue bat" - Aaron Ballman Feb 10 2005 http://ramblings.aaronballman.com/index.php?p=211 "Maczealots are like Jehova's Witnesses." - Sebhelyesfarku. Feb 11, 2005 (on the same page)

(30/11/2005)

Laptop Computer: $1247 Wireless network router: $150 Updating franksemails.com whilst sitting on the crapper: priceless :)

(17/11/2005)

"Hehehehe, look at this country - You Are Gay, hehehehe." - Homer Simpson (Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay)

(7/10/2005)

Damn those pesky parking inspectors! Ripping people off even though the car park's empty. Click here to see what I like to do about it.

(3/10/2005)

A South American scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with an unsatisfactory sex life read their e-mails with their hand on their mouse. Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......

(20/09/2005)

"A pencil without an eraser is just a pen"

(12/09/2005)

Above pic: Congratulations to the English cricket team for finally winning The Ashes back from us after 18 years. Below pic: "My Republican friends, does it bother you that we are the laughing stock of the world?" - Michael Moore, 11/9/2005

(9/08/2005)

What, something more awesome than franksemails.com actually exists? No! But there is one thing that comes close - click here to see.

(7/08/2005)

"The quickest way to make a million dollars is to start your own religion." - RanilR 7/Sept/2005. (L. Ron Hubbard is rumored to have said it as well)

(2/08/2005)

Click here to find out what your mailbox should look like.

(28/07/2005)

I know, you're probably thinking - "Frank, how did you make your website so totally awesome?". Well it's because of you, the people, who send me emails to forward on, and I thank you for this. I'd also like to take the opportunity to thank Microsoft for providing the best web-development tool there is - notepad.exe. Check out what notepad.exe can do for you by clicking here.

(13/07/2005)

This page is to solve the problem of "Hi Frank, I love your emails, but can you please not include me on the list when the attachment is over 743kb, my mailbox with its useless 1Mb limit is always full and my crappy dialup connection can't cope... thanks!". There are also many people who can't receive some types of attachments in their work email accounts, so out of the goodness of my heart, franksemails.com is here!